Bred and Buttered

it happened again, without even noticing it -- i hibernated all winter. 8+ hour work days and cold dark evenings passed by, one after the other. and now here we are! its march. 

my winter routine has been healthy and boring and structured. work, gym, bed early. day after day. but oh, i do love it. winter hibernation is my time for rest, reading, and solitude. i've been busy with reflections on what (and who) i want to be. winter is my time to work on myself.

so few events stand out from my january and february, aside from lovely visits from best friends and boyfriends.

neither of which i documented well. 

all that i have to share is this,

challa french toast, just the way momma taught me. 

a single photo from a four-days-belated valentines breakfast shared between two heartsick-ready-to-be-in-the-same-zipcode souls. 

four months! four months left in this fine city. four months left in a job i love. four months left to prepare my heart for its next adventure. it leaves me giddy and anxious for change.

but four months is a long time. 

with march comes what my friends and i call "third winter". third winter is the hardest, because as the rest of the country warms and things bloom with what i remember to be called "spring", we chiagoans buckle down and wait. 

we wait for the day that third winter closes and june comes and thermometers reach 60. we wait for summer. 

we wait. 

when i have a big decision looming, or if something's weighing heavy on my heart, or i have a problem and i don't know what to do, i cope in two ways: cleaning. and baking. 

i struggle with sitting and moping and dwelling on emotion, and instead get freakishly domestic.

i'll pace around the apartment with my beloved clorox wipes, an act that is a reverent almost ceremonious time for me. i'll vacuum and clean mirrors just to revel in the magical transformation of something being dirty then -- ta da! -- clean! i'll wash a dish, iron a shirt, fluff a pillow.

if with one quick act i can produce a fast and better result, control a small detail in my life, even if just for a second, i'll do it. instant gratification is what soothes my weary soul and revives my weak heart. 

so does baking.

i don't make emotional eating a habit, in fact i strive to be intentional about everything i eat. it's not so much the final result -- the eating -- that drives me to bake, but the process. (mind you, the delicious treat at the end of the process is nice too). i like the recipe, the following directions, the having someone create my path and decide my ever-so-immediate future for me. 

is anyone reading between the lines here?

if you've been following along in appropriate psychoanalytic fashion, you're way ahead of me: where a normal, non-crazy person gets pragmatic, i get domestic. i channel all my energy from brainstorming and problem solving around my real-life issue into literally anything else. i'm not saying i avoid the "feelings" part (i do have a degree in social work and thus majored in feelings), its important for me to postpone the hard stuff, even if just for 5 minutes so i can disinfect the apartment. 

postponing allows me to get to a rational place in my head. the domesticity buys myself time to feel peace, so i can respond with less emotion and more thought and care and intention. 

and the bigger the something, the impetus, the "problem", the longer i let myself postpone.

this is my most recent undertaking: blueberry lemon scones and orange raspberry jam.

kind of a boring, anticlimactic name for something that carries so much value and importance in my life [and general sanity].

so in waitress fashion (that lovely little movie where my girl kerri russel names all of her pies based on events or problems in her life. like "i don't want earl's baby pie" and "earl murders me because i'm having an affair pie"), we'll officially call these: 

"i have a lot of feelings" scones with "i need to stay busy" jam. 

last week was my roomie's birthday so i whipped up some homemade angel food cake. i totally failed at taking pictures of it.

my eyes were bigger than our collective belly for how many berries to buy, so i accidentally bought a shit ton of berries. 

with this recipe, i was able to save them from a slow, sad death in my crisper drawer AND give my heart a little time to regroup and find zen.

win-win. 

the blueberry scone and raspberry jam idea came from absolutely nowhere. but i like to think it was a message from my guardian angel, guiding me to make the right delicious decision. 

i have never in my life made raspberry jam. in fact i kind of just put a couple of things in a saucepan and hoped it would become jam, and it did! i didn't have any pectin so i let it simmer for around 45 minutes to let it thicken. 

[note: it's very hard to get a picture of something simmering] 

i have never in my life made a scone.

turns out, scones are pretty easy to make.

i made mine vegan by substituting butter for earth balance. they were still just as light and fluffy and "buttery", but with much less cholesterol. there aren't any eggs in the recipe so you don't have to make a substitution for that.

vegan! why the hell not?

[note: i am not a vegan. i eat meat, but dairy ain't no friend of mine. i'll spare you the details. hence, i'm working on eating significantly less dairy, including eggs and butter and especially milk and cheese.]

[though, if you were to have seen what i ate for dinner last night, you would maybe think i'm not doing such a good job at aforementioned task.]

"i have a lot of feelings" scones // makes eight

aka [vegan*] blueberry lemon scones 

2 1/2 cups flour (i used cake flour; all-purpose would be fine)

1/3 cup granulated sugar plus 1-2 tablespoons for sprinkling

3 teaspoons baking powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/2 cup cold vegan* margarine (i use earth balance) 

1 cup blueberries

zest and juice of one lemon

1/2 cup cold water

[note: if you don't want these to be vegan, replace margarine with 1 stick unsalted butter] 

//

preheat oven to 425 degrees. lightly spray a cookie sheet (or pizza pan) with [vegan] cooking spray. zest the lemon, reserving half for sprinkling. 

in a food processor mix dry ingredients and lemon zest. pulse a couple of times to distribute the ingredients. add the margarine and pulse until the margarine is the size of peas and evenly mixed throughout. 

mix together cold water and lemon juice. stream in the water and lemon mixture into the dry ingredients. don't overwork the dough. transfer the dough to a bowl and delicately stir in the blueberries, leaving them as intact as possible. chill the dough in the fridge or freezer for about 10-15 minutes. 

mix reserved lemon zest and sugar. turn the dough onto a lightly floured surface and form into a ball. flatten the ball into a circle with a thickness of 1/2 inch. 

cut the circle into eight equal wedges. and place them on the lightly greased baking sheet. sprinkle the top with reserved lemon zest and sugar mixture. 

bake scones at 425 degrees for 15 minutes.

"i need to stay busy" jam // serves eight

aka orange raspberry jam

1 cup fresh [or frozen] raspberries

3/4 cup orange juice

1/4 cup sugar

//

add ingredients to a small saucepan. bring to a boil then reduce to a simmer. let simmer, stirring occasionally to prevent sticking, for around 45 minutes or until thick and the consistency you prefer your jam. taste throughout and add sugar as preferred.

if you'd like to speed up the process, add one packet no-sugar added pectin.

both are best served warm.

[preferably with someone you love.]

[though an elaborate, romantic breakfast for one is totally okay too.] 

unofficially linking up with my sister and homegirl, mdull for this catch up sesh on the heart and mind of yours truly:

listening everything i could ever want to listen to with spotify premium (i swear i'm a walking advertisement. i value it so.); bey bey, all day everyday; laughter; gut instincts; bar jamz after a particularly party hardy weekend; the voice of an old friend. 

reading bel canto for my book club (it's goood); lots and lots about the paleo diet; articles about lululemon scandals; bank statements with a cringe; tax law manuals; much needed words of affirmation sent in the form of beautiful, handwritten cards. 

watching friends gather around me and feeling blissful for community; the aforementioned mdull and her unparalleled dancing skillz; my calorie intake; youtube videos on good runner's form; an unseasonable chicago winter take place; a friendship (born in the halls of hoffman hall) grow increasingly invaluable to me in this place i now call home. 

wearing an old, chipped manicure; sweatpants; last night's eye makeup; new ray ban aviators (only a decade late to that party); googles and a swim cap (thanks, mom!); a smile that starts in my insides.

wanting another winter break, or really just a week to sleep and recover from winter break; to meet miss ivy blue carter. welcome to the world, coolest baby ever!; the dream i had last night to be true (where i met bobbi and her husband from nhershoes and we became best friends); answers; a decided future; time to simultaneously slow down and speed up; to be in the same zip code as my best friend and love of my life.

hanukkah is coming up!

actually, i had to google when exactly it starts because i didn't know.*

*bad jew.

turns out it starts on december 21st, just three short days from now. 

i've had the immense privilege my whole life to celebrate both christmas and hanukkah with both my jewish father and christian mother. when i was younger, my classmates were always envious to think that i got twice the presents, which, i hate to break it to you, was not the case. 

but celebrating both did (and does) come with some nice perks. 

i get the joy and the tidings of christmas, the warmth and traditions of both sides of my family. 

we're a blended family.

we do christmas pajamas, beef tenderloin for dinner, the most special gifts of presence to exchange, and best of all, my most favorite tradition: latkes. 

this recipe has been passed down for generations. every year, i have to ask my dad for the exact ratio of potatoes to onions to flour. and this year, i fine-tuned the whole shebang. 

they came out perfectly:

crispy on the outside,

soft and buttery and perfectly seasoned on the inside. 

just,

perfection.

potato latkes // makes 20

8 medium-sized idaho potatos 

2 yellow onions

2 tablespoons flour

2 eggs

1 tablespoon kosher salt

24 fl oz peanut oil

chives, sour cream and apple sauce for serving 

i mentioned yesterday that i was DIY-ing all over the place this holiday season so i wanted to quickly share something i made yesterday. 

it's nothing fancy. in fact, it involves all of five ingredients.

it's also something you can easily buy in a swiss mix box and save yourself some trouble...

but! when you make it yourself and put it in a cute little jar, it becomes a fancy little homemade creation and you can give it as a gift and feel good about yourself. 

though, before you go and gift it away, i would recommend pouring yourself a steaming hot mug of it. you know, just to make sure it tastes right. 

and, i if i were you, i'd top it with a touch of whipped cream,

and a sprinkle of cinnamon,

then sink in to your couch, turn on some friday night lights, and enjoy each sip as it warms you from the inside out. 

yep, that's definitely what i would do.

homemade hot chocolate

inspired by this post on something pretty

2 cups powdered sugar

1 cup cocoa powder (i prefer dutch pressed)

2 1/2 cups powdered milk (i used french vanilla coffee creamer)

2 tp cornstarch

1 tablespoon cinnamon

1/2 tablespoon ground nutmeg

//

whisk together the ingredients with hot water and serve. it's as easy as that!

hello and happy saturday! my mind and heart are full today and i suddenly felt the urge to reach out and connect with others for a few minutes. so here i am. and here are a few thoughts, of late:

1. my mind and heart have felt, at most, half-full with this blog lately. i was talking to my friend on the phone last night and she hassled me to get back to cooking and sharing and wanted to know why i haven't in so long. i feebly responded, "...i'm dieting. so lame.

of what i'm eating, it's boring and diet-y and full of chicken and broccoli and kale. and when it is interesting, i get home too late and it's too dark to take decent pictures of it and i've been watching the wire after work, so thats also taking up some time lately too. gosh, i'm full of excuses, as usual.

2. i'm currently sitting at my kitchen table (which i've never done), wearing a very weird outfit of black sweatpants, oversized redskins t-shirt (that i definitely stole from my brother in 2003), a raspberry colored lip stain that i bought and tried and won't come off (help?), and a dirty apron because i'm about to start frying up some latkes. (and there's no way i'm getting latke oil on this fancy outfit).

3. i'm making latkes for my work holiday party tonight. when i told my boss what i was bringing, he responded like this:

he's kinda awesome.

4. i just bought myself my christmas present: i donated to WBEZ (chicago's NPR station). i'm now a member and a contributor to the radio station that i listen to and rely on every single day. my conscience feels better already.

5. seriously, how does one get lip stain off?

6. i'm taking a much needed emotional break from the wire so i started watching friday night lights. holy shit! i'm obsessed. and i'm dying to talk about it with people. contact me!!!! 

i'm into him. 

7. ugh, winter. i had my first spill on the sidewalk yesterday. i didn't bother to look outside before i left so i had no idea there was snow on the ground. naturally, i was wearing inappropriate footwear and. i. fell. hard. i had things in my hands so i couldn't really catch myself and i'm pretty sure i pulled a muscle in my lower back. thank goodness for my bathtub. 

8. just a quick shout out to pinterest for creatively inspiring me to DIY all over the place this holiday season. my office secret santa will be the first recipient of one of my homemade goodies tonight. fingers crossed it goes well. 

9. sock bun curls are a crock! it didn't work at all for me. i'm pissed. 

10. i have a two week break from work coming up since we're closed over the holidays. i'm heading home for the first 10 days and finishing off my break in san francisco with rob. i have a pretty solid list of recommendations for restaurants, shops, bars, and sights but i need more! we'll have five days in the city (and maybe even venturing out to see other parts of cali) so hit me with spots to check out please!

these latkes won't fry themselves, ya'll. time to get to it. 

peace.

hello! it's been a while. 

i don't know where the last three weeks went, but suddenly here we are in december, knee dip in the holiday season. i had a few blissful days at home over thanksgiving that i'd like to briefly share with you.

i am now the proud (though starkingly amateur) owner of a canon dslr, a birthday gift from my boyfriend. he has high hopes for my fledgling photography skills, and though i'm still just learning what aperture and iso mean, i took a couple pretty good ones. 

still much to learn, but here's a quick catch up in photos of my thanksgiving holiday:

kitten cuddles with my sweet baby randolph. 

a picnic and game of croquet with my best friends. the weather was incredible. 

and best of all, three solid days spent with this dude. 

like i said, #blissful.

we've decorated for christmas here in the apartment and the place looks smashing. i live for low yellow lighting, cinnamon candles, and green garland.

bring it on, chrismukkah season. 

it's about that time where i do my annual thing of reflecting on the last year of my life, calculating the figurative and already healing real scars that i've accumulated, goals i'd set, and regrets i'd left lingering. conversely, i re-celebrate succeses and count my many blessings.

 but i must say, on the eve of my twenty-fourth birthday, i am content.

right now i'm in a place where this is enough. i described my current situation as "content" to my boss the other day and he shared his father's expression, "content belongs in a cubicle"--not exactly something i'd like to strive for, but i still feel it most accurately describes my state of being right now:

i love my job--my career--more than ever; i am growing increasingly more confident of my purpose and that i'm in the right place (physically/geographically, spiritually); i am blissful in my relationships; i have friends, not just aquaintences. i am valued. i am excited, hopeful, and optimistic about my plans and my future; but i too have much to work on.

and here's the clincher--with my twenty-fourth year soon upon us, i have committed to not stop working on myself.

just the other day i was talking with a very important woman in my life about how hard we are on ourselves. i truly feel we're our own toughest critics and for me, it's to the point where i lose perspective on the big picture important things.

reality gets cloudy when i push myself to do it all--to be the best at my job; to exceed expectations; to be everything to all people. my mom used to call this "burning the candle at both ends", and though that cliche phrase makes me cringe, there is no analogy more clear: when my emotional space is limited and my perspective is fogged, i feel off. and i often feel i take it out on the world.

then, what worries me most, i retreat. i lose a firm grasp on relationships and other things (besides myself) that need work. i focus solely on the day-to-day, the me me me. i react with emotion rather than reason. i let anxiety rule my brainspace. and though right now i'm struggling with airing these insecurities to the world, i am content with it, because i have made the commitment to myself to work hard on them in my twenty-fourth year. 

goal one: i will try, when struggling to be kind to myself, to be kinder to others.

this among many other things i will work on this year. i hope to share what i'm working on for the purpose of helping others through life's challenges. it's important to me to continue to work through the hard stuff--to resist getting stuck. the work never ends, and i'm starting to realize it only gets harder as we get older. 

so come on, twenty-four.

let's do this. 

i'll be back with my own recipes and ideas to share this evening, but i wanted to post something beyond cool that i found in the blogosphere: homemade sea salt. 

it's the time of year where holiday gift giving starts occupying our minds. last year, i ranted about gifts of presence, which i still wholeheartedly trust to be the best gifts one can give. but second only to quality time are gifts made by hand, gifts that involve time and creativity.

salt is one of the most common and important ingredients in my kitchen. not to be over-used, it is a delicate and crucial addition to food. it's the difference between an okay and a fantastic, perfectly balanced dish. similarly, it is the difference between a perfectly balanced dish and a tragically over-salted disaster (speaking from experience here). serving well-seasoned food is my distinction for a good, practiced cook. 

anyhoo, such a powerfully significant ingredient that you can make yourself? ding ding!! a winning gift this holiday season. and wouldn't it be cool to make sea salt from waters you travel to around the world? salts from the waters of the pacific, atlantic, the mediterranean. a girl can dream.

{not without salt} shows you how it's done. 

four layers of cheese cloth.

one big pot. 

four hours of simmering.

and to all my loved ones, expect some little bottles of kitchen-gold coming your way this holiday season. (as soon as i get my hands on a body of salt water. lake michigan is useless to me on this front.)

images from here.

a few days ago, i finally saw 50/50. it's taken time to digest and process this movie, and even days later i'm still thinking about it.

my best friend and i went prepared with plenty of tissues, as i knew what to expect after reading libby from dontwasteyourcancer's reaction to the film. since i first saw the trailer several months ago, thick in the middle of my own cancer, i knew that this wasn't going to be any typical movie for me. and i knew it was one that i couldn't miss. 

i considered seeing it alone and the first few days after it's release almost walked around the corner to the theater near my apartment to take it in solo. but just as i did not fight/experience/live cancer on my own, i didn't want to rehash the emotions without the support of someone who loves me by my side. 

so i finally saw it, and i have never cried so much in a movie theater. these tears even beat those shed at my sister's keeper. and those, oh those were some tears, my friends.

i've never felt so accurately represented in a movie before. though his cancer was different, his story and his pain were so fresh for me. i was/am impressed by how accurately they captured the shift in his relationships--the whole range of how they can shift.

those who come forward and surprise you with their gifts of presence and support. the people who fill the cracks and fissures that cancer spreads through your life, slowly yet relentlessly. so too are there the people that can't handle it. the people who slowly walk backwards out of your life and away from the pain and messiness and the entire depressing business of being sick. each character has their place. each one serves their purpose. i'm grateful for having had far more of the former. 

parts of the movie were so real they were too hard to watch: where he told his mother he was sick; the last minute panic before surgery; the flow of numbness to anger back to numbness to eventual freak out; the being far too young for it all. it was good and well made. it could have gone deeper--it could have been uglier and more honest. but it was balanced and i laughed just as much as a cried. 

this last weekend, while at home with old friends, was one of the first times i've been able to talk about cancer with them--what it was like to be so far away from me for most of me being sick, me in chicago, they in virginia. it felt good to talk about it as past and not present--now well behind us as our lives continue to move foward. and this, this is what i loved most about 50/50--relating to its ending where hope and excitement for the future was celebrated. 

i too have so much to look forward to, so much to learn from this past year. this movie resonated for me what there is to be thankful for. life is hard. cancer is hard. and there are powerful lessons in both.